Slowly, the WinterABC challenge is coming to an end! For the penultimate post, I’ve been tasked to recycle one of my old posts and bring it back to life. Here’s a post from the past which I have recycled. I hope you enjoy it.
The things we leave behind — buildings, people, experiences — rarely disappear altogether. When we look back, we find ruins – Michelle W.
It’s 7pm. I just closed from work. I’m tired and drained and suddenly need a recharge. I look back and remember those times. On days like this when I work overtime, you’d pull up in front of my office, jump out of the car and scoop me in your arms. Then you’d place your forehead against mine, grab my cheeks and make the “shhh” sound and there, I’d be recharged. That laughter after the recharge just echoed in my ears. I shake off my imagination as a bus pulls up in front of me. I hop in and find a seat at the back. Two lovebirds are right in front of me, enjoying the time of their lives. I look at them and feel tears well up in my eyes. I lean my head against the glass window and feel how cold it is against my cheeks. Sigh! That should have been your shoulder.
I get to my destination and alight. Right from the bus stop, I can smell the aroma of Auntie Dela’s kelewele and find my way there.
“Good evening, Auntie Dela. I’m buying the usual” I say.
“Okay. I’ve been sending my regards to your fine boy for quite some time now yet you never bring feedback” she says as she wraps my kelewele.
“Oh my bad! He sends his love too” I manage to say as she searched for answers from my face.
“Well, if you say so. Tell him I can’t wait to see him and I miss his show” she said and handed the wrapped kelewele over to me.
I walk away sadly. Maybe I shouldn’t have stopped by to buy it. That was out favourite hangout. Auntie Dela was our number one fan and she admired how you doted on me. I quietly make my way to my apartment and let myself in and help myself to the kelewele. It’s tasteless to me as usual. I’ve lost appetite and there’s no you to urge me on. I toss it aside and put rice in the microwave to warm it. I take it out when it’s done. I suddenly drop the plate after it burns my index finger and wince in pain. All the tears I’ve been holding back, suddenly fall freely. Impulsively, I pick up my phone to dial your number. I need to tell you. You’d have blown air onto my finger to make me feel better but since you aren’t with me at the moment you’d do that through the phone. Somehow, I’d feel better. Just as I’m about to press the send button, I stop. I erase your number and toss my phone onto the couch.
I lay down on the bare floor and weep some more. My tummy suddenly starts rumbling.
“You really need to stop this bad behaviour. You have to eat” I hear you tell me.
I sit up and realize it’s an imagination.
“It’s just my thoughts” I whisper to myself.
“I’ll eat for myself and not for you” I continue whispering and reach out for the plate of rice and help myself to it. It still doesn’t go down well. I stop eating and push the plate aside.
I step into the shower and as the water trickles down my face, I play several scenes of our current situation in my head. How did it all start and was this really the end? You left without any word or explanation and I’m here wondering what went wrong. It’s been three months now. And there’s no hope of us getting back together. I’m tired of the rejected calls and the unreplied mails and messages. At least an explanation would do. I hear of people’s stories about how the love of their lives jilt them. I read them in books, I see them in movies and hear of them in the news but never did I imagine it happening to me. I’ve accepted that you’re gone but all I need is at least a decent goodbye and my heart will be at ease.
“Miriam are you okay? What’s keeping you there?” Serwaa asks while knocking on the bathroom door. I suddenly jolt back to reality and find myself still standing under the shower. Serwaa is my flatmate.
“I’m okay” I manage to say, trying not to give my crying self away.
“Are you sure? I came back about an hour ago and you’re still in there” she probed further. Of course she knew I was lying.
Ever since my boyfriend left without a word, she has been so supportive and is always quick to realize when I suddenly get depressed. I break into tears again and after much coaxing from her, I step out of the bathroom and embrace her. I weep some more.
“Miriam, I keep telling you that it’s okay to cry but you have to learn to let go. I know nothing makes sense to you and I don’t even understand it myself but you have to move on. It’s been three months already oo. If he still cared, he’d have reached out to you by now.” she says in her gentle voice while still embracing me.
Three months later
After floating through life aimlessly and picking myself up, he shows up suddenly. I’m home taking a much needed rest after a hectic week at work when I hear a knock on my door. After opening the door, I stand there in confusion. I pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming. I blink several times and here standing in front of me is the guy who got away.
“Miriam, I don’t think I should show up before you suddenly but I had to. I hope you can hear me out and forgive me.” he breaks the silence.
For the first time in a long time, I could feel this rage inside of me. The mere mention of forgiveness from the one person who hurt me the most pissed me off. “Forgive you? After ghosting with no reason? You must be going mad!”
“I know you’re hurt and upset but kindly hear me out. Please.” he tries to touch me.
I push his hands away with force and warn him to stay away from me. I shut the door in his face and lock it behind me. I don’t know where the tears are coming from but they start flowing freely. I can hear consistent knocking on my door but I ignore. Everything’s too much to take in at the moment.
I open the door several hours later to grab some items from the mart and find him sitting on the floor staring at me. It was in the early hours of the night. I panic and take a step back into my room.
“Get out of this place before I call the police on you. I don’t want you near me!” I shout at him. Serwaa is away on a visit to her parents in another town and won’t be back until next week. I am getting nervous.
“Miriam, please hear me out. It’s okay if you don’t want to have anything to do with me. But please hear me out. I’m so sorry.” he responded.
“Fine! I’m listening to you”
“At least, step outside. Miriam, it’s me. I won’t harm you, you know that.”
My mind flashes back to all those times I had shared with him. He was a decent and protective person and I somehow believed he wouldn’t hurt me. I slowly step out to meet him keeping a safe distance between us.
He starts talking. “Miriam, I am really sorry for leaving without a word. I can’t justify my actions enough but all I can say is, I’ve come back to my senses now. You see, you’re a good woman. You’re kind and supportive and caring and responsible and I really appreciated you for that. But somehow during our relationship, I felt that was all you had to offer. I wanted more. I wanted to get adventurous. And your no sex rule which I had initially agreed to started getting stifling. You would not let me touch you beyond a certain point and I began getting frustrated”
I look at him, completely taken aback. “Why didn’t you mention this during that time?” I cut in.
“I don’t know. I don’t even know what came over me. I knew I could confide in you but I chose the other way. I had started getting attention from another person and somehow, I felt she was better than you.”
My heart misses a beat and the tears start flowing again. I am pained.
“She was doing everything you were not willing to do and that was when I started withdrawing my attention from you. At a point, I felt she was everything I needed and that was when I walked away. I know I’m a jerk for walking away from you just like that but I didn’t know how to go about it. In my opinion, if I leave without a word, that would be it. And so I did that and blocked all forms of communication with you.”
I stare at him still reeling in shock. Out of nowhere I blurted out “You’re heartless. I trusted you and never imagined you could do such a thing to me. You got fed up with my standards and you felt the best way to handle the situation was to walk away? Compare me with another person and walk away? You don’t deserve me. You don’t”
I choke on my tears choke midway through my speech.
“I know. I’m so sorry. And that’s why I’m here today to apologize. I don’t know how the past six months have been for you but I felt I had to show up to explain myself.”
I stare at him still taking in all I had just heard from him.
He continues talking. “The past couple of months have been a hell for me. I’ve not been at peace with myself at all. I’ve lost everything, even the one I left you for. She’s ruined my life in every way possible. My time, money I’ve saved up over the years, my projects, they’re all ruined. I’m even scared I have STIs judging from the symptoms I’m showing of late. I…..”
“You think I care?” I cut in. “Are you listening to yourself? You hurt me badly, show up suddenly and narrate your ordeal over the past months expecting sympathy from me? You must be going crazy. You’re not okay!”
“I understand your sentiments. But please forgive me. Accept my apology so I can move on with my life. Please!” he asks.
Somehow, his statement touches me. I take a closer look at him and I notice how bad he looks. “This still doesn’t take away the fact that he hurt you” a voice whispers in my head.
“I forgive you!” I hear myself say. “It’s okay. Thanks for the explanation. I can also move on with my life.”
“Thank you very much Miriam. I’m not asking you to take me back but in case you decide to, I’ll always be here.” he says and takes a step closer to me.
I move back and take several steps away from him. He understands my stance and slowly turns around to walk away. I think I saw tears flowing down his cheeks as he tried to come closer. I watch him walk out of my apartment till there’s no sign of him anymore. I slowly sink to the floor and and weep some more. Why does love have to hurt this much?!
MandieTalks Avenue 